Age Gap Relationships

I basically spent the entirety of my 20s dating (much) older men. Maybe I have daddy issues, but that’s what I go to therapy for. ;) I was looking for a “big bear” figure, someone who was going to tell me what to do and save me from this ridiculous world. But that bubble eventually popped and I realised the only person who was going to tell me what to do and save me from the world was my own damn self.

For as long as I can remember, the younger woman/older man dynamic was prevalent and oftentimes even somewhat glorified. Many women of my grandparents and parents’ generations were married to men significantly older than them, rarely ever the other way around.

Now, even the New York Times has opinion pieces with titles like, “Older Women Are in Demand by Younger Men”. While I would personally have titled this essay, “Older Women Are Deigning to Give Younger Men Attention”, it is interesting, and lovely, that this once taboo dynamic is on its way to being normalised.

This did get me thinking, however, about what an appropriate age gap is and what sorts of power dynamics can be at play in these relationships. These are things I wasn’t necessarily paying attention to in my 20s, but now that I’m dating a younger man (deigning to give him my attention ;)), I’m more aware of not wanting to abuse my power in the relationship.

Before we get into my thoughts as someone who is dating a younger man, let’s talk a little about my experience dating older ones. In my twenties I spent a lot of my time in professional fields where men were predominantly in positions of power. Oh wait, that’s all fields. :) But I was also living in a pre - Me Too landscape. A lot of behaviour from older male professors, bosses, colleagues, or people who should have been mentors but used their positions of power instead as immunity to make overtures at younger female team members, students, employees, are now things you can report to administration.

Although some of the behaviours of older men around me while in college and at my first jobs, and even some of the older men I dated, made me stop and think and in hindsight shake my head and grimace, at the time, I was young, impressionable, and hadn’t yet entirely wrapped my head around the fact that the age, gender, and power differentials at play really complicate even seemingly “consensual” age gap relationships. I know I’m not alone in coming to this realisation seemingly late. It took Monica Lewinsky (a woman in arguably the most famous age-gap relationship ever) decades to recognise that the power differential between the most powerful man on the planet (the president of the US) and an intern was in her own words “so vast,” that consent “might as well have been rendered moot”.

It’s difficult to examine your own life and shine a light on a deep part of yourself that you don’t really want to confront. I look back at some of my relationships with men 15, 20 years older than me and something about it makes me want to go back in time and cocoon my younger self in a big hug and protect her more and tell her god and “daddy” will not be found where she is looking. Little Leeza you will and must become your own god and daddy.

All the more reason that I want to pay close attention to what the age difference means between my partner and I now. Although, to be fair it’s not nearly as vast a difference as that between me and the older men I dated in my twenties, (he’s 7 years younger, and I’m 36) and I think the flip in gender - older women, younger men - tends to result in quite a different dynamic, but still, one must tread gently and cautiously, because with power of any kind comes responsibility.

I asked my community on Instagram about their experiences with age gap relationships and an interesting pattern emerged. Women seemed to recall their relationships with older men in a largely unsavoury light while men seemed to speak of their relationships with older women as if it was the best thing that ever happened to them.

And this is interesting considering there is a tendency for the much older man/much younger woman pairing to be peppered with predatory or problematic behaviour. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I’m not saying this never happens with older women and younger men (we have a quite famous example of this with Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau whose story was fictionalised in the movie May December.) But this happens more often with older men and younger women, and is simultaneously not questioned. Whereas when an older woman starts dating a younger man she might be labeled a cougar and newspaper articles are written about it. :)

On the one hand I’m not at all interested in telling people how to live their lives, what they should eat, or do with their day, and certainly not who they should date. Many people have thriving age gap relationships and are able to communicate better, navigate conflict with maturity and add a whole lot to each other’s lives, whether that’s the wisdom from someone with more life experience, or less.

But on the other hand, from my own experience and my observations of my friends who have sometimes been in age gap relationships, it’s difficult to ignore all the issues that can also arise from a significant age gap. Before we get into that, though, what is a significant age gap and is there a sweet spot?

This person is right, it really does depend from person to person and relationship to relationship. But it’s helpful to have some sort of guideline when trying to examine something like this, or figure out for yourself what is “appropriate” based on your own age and stage in life.

Often, the person who is older is at a different phase of their professional life, and might earn more money. Money is power, and if we don’t pay attention, the control that the combination of money power, especially if it combines gender power and age power, can wield over a relationship can be extraordinary. Additionally, the person who is older could bring more maturity to the table in terms of life experience, but they could also be set in their ways, unwilling to learn or change. One person could have more energy (perhaps even sexually) and be more interested in exploring the big wide world. The list goes on.

On the surface these things seem insignificant. Many people in relationships that have no notable age gap still experience what I’ve listed above. But in my experience, these differences are heightened when there is an age gap, even when the older person is a woman. Age has a funny way of tricking us into thinking we are wiser and more important than we actually are. And the world’s hierarchies support that dynamic. So even when we aren’t paying attention, it’s easy to slip into the habit of those predetermined roles.

Power dynamics are often present no matter what, and sometimes may even be impossible to counter. But it’s paying attention to them that counts. At least for me.

The media has long delved into age gap relationships. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman, Vladimir by Julia May Jonas, to name some of the most famous. I recently read Half His Age by Jennette McCurdy which explores a relationship between a high school student and her English teacher. And the latest season of Euphoria explores the “sugar baby” dynamic, where a younger person receives gifts and financial support from an older individual. When we’re reading about other people’s relationships, it’s easy to see the glaring problems, nit pick and deconstruct every character’s missteps and follies. It’s much harder to examine those things in our own lives, especially when something as confusing as love is involved.

Amia Srinivas makes an important point in her book The Right to Sex when talking about relationships between teachers and students. Love and admiration are two things that are difficult to separate. And while not all age gap relationships are between students and teachers, the feelings of respect or admiration for someone older can easily become sexually charged even when it’s actually more the appreciation of their achievements than the desire to be their partner that’s actually at play.

Anyway, I shall leave you with an irrefutable rule:

While there are certainly unique joys to relationships between consenting adults with an age gap, (OBVS STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MINORS) if you’re the older person and the younger person is under 30, you must absolutely and under all circumstances be the kinder, wiser one, with better judgement, and treat them extremely tenderly, and also be willing to let them go.